I need to stop using alcohol as a coping mechanism.

What I want more than anything in this entire world is you. I want for you to barge through my door, tell me you’re sorry, that you love me and that I’m the only one you could ever want. I want you to hold me in your arms, stare into my eyes with that look you give, and make love to me. As scary as it is to admit this to myself, I think I’m in love with you, please come back. If you do, I promise I will love you more than anyone else ever could. 

We nearly had sex on three seperate occasions and all on three occasions, something went wrong and didn’t happen. The first time other people stopped us, the second we didn’t have protection and the third you couldn’t get hard. Maybe there were underlying reasons why it wouldn’t work, maybe I was never going to be good enough, maybe we were never meant to be.

You know my history, you know what happened and you know how it destroyed me. You know how hard it was for me to trust people after it happened, and you know how hard I fell for him when I eventually let myself trust again. You knew it would break me and you did it anyway. You’re selfish. You live in your own little world where no one else’s feelings matter except your own. I trusted you and you through it away, you through me away so you could have a fling with someone you don’t even care about, someone that I care about so much it scares me. When you came to me and asked for permission, you have to have known that me telling you that ‘I could never ask you to do that’ meant that I was just hoping that you would realise what the right thing to do was on your own. I have no right to tell you not to go for it because we were never official, but because your my friend you should have known that there are certain lines that you simply don’t cross. You should have known not to do it without me having to tell you. You knew it would hurt me and you were impartial on your feelings with him, that should have meant to you that you wouldn’t even consider going there, but no apparently it didn’t. You decided to only consider yourself and no one else. You’re also a liar. When I came to asking for advise about him, you told me to let go. At the time I thought it was because you didn’t want to see me getting hurt again, but as time has passed, it’s become clear that you were only trying to aid your own selfish agenda. You told me that I was the most important factor in this, but clearly I wasn’t. You went behind my back, more than once, you lied to my face and have consequently broken my heart. I have never felt more betrayed, he was just a guy, but you’ve been my friend for years and the worst part about it all is that I could never have done that to anyone, especially you. I really hope this is worth it because our trust is gone forever because you have hurt me more than you could ever know.